


Satellite Mind

by rednihilist



Series: Sacrifice 'Verse [3]
Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/M, Female Bruce Wayne
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-06 23:03:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3151613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rednihilist/pseuds/rednihilist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They left her alone in there, and later Jim thinks that by the time he steps inside and tries his best at comfort—it's too little too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Satellite Mind

**Author's Note:**

> 'Batman' and certain characters belong to DC Comics and Warner Bros., respectively.
> 
> Title from Metric's song of the same name.

On that night, he's a uniform, single, still in the lower double digits of sexual experiences, and when the call comes over the radio—he's thinking of what he'll grab for takeout after his shift, what places near his apartment will be open and whether he's more in the mood for mediocre Chinese or a repeat of the pretty decent pizza he'd had two nights ago.  
  
He's not jaded or cynical yet, still on rotation around the precinct without a steady partner and not a whole lot of firsthand knowledge about the shadier side of things. He's barely past being called "rookie."  
  
His folks are alive and well back home. His last girlfriend's still on speaking terms with him, and at that point in his life Jim knew he was a good man, a decent cop, and wanted a real life outside the station.  
  
The call comes in, and he doesn't really register it that first time. He's filling out paperwork; someone else has got it covered out there. Then, the voices get louder around the 'pen, and Gordon looks up, asks what's going on, and the world slides a bit to the left.  
  
Nobody's safe. That's what's on a loop in his head. People are shouting to be heard by the guys next to 'em, and no one's doing very much at the moment. Gordon's still sitting, pen in hand, but he can't find it in himself to keep working. He'd asked, and they've got it covered. This is his job right now, but it's such a small thing, meaningless, in the face of what is an actual, honest-to-God tragedy. He's front-row-center, right in the middle of it, and it's terrible.  
  
There's even more noise half an hour later when they bring the kid in. Gordon tries not to rubberneck because it's petty, but he glances up a few times despite himself. He wishes he hadn't.  
  
They bring in a female cop, a detective, from the next precinct to take the girl's statement, and Loeb stations Gricini at the door after they're done—and they just leave it like that. He asks Briggs if he knows what's going to happen next and is told a whole lot about the crime scene and what he's overheard from Loeb and the assigned detectives, and then Gordon has to actually ask, point-blank, if someone's coming to pick up the kid and get her the hell out of this mess because no one's in there with her. It's just Gricini at the door and all of them shouting around out here.  
  
They left her alone in there, and later Jim thinks that by the time he steps inside and tries his best at comfort—it's too little too late.  
  
***  
  
He'll love several women over the course of his lifetime, fall in love with half of them, be raised by one and help raise another, and unceasingly struggle with the world and himself to protect all of them. They'll challenge him, simultaneously forcing him to do better and feel weaker, and nothing is ever straightforward or easy. Once, what makes him feel alive, what is beautiful and exciting and so goddamned right is wrong and shameful. He hurts two people, two incredible women, and still it's hard to put a stop to something that, in the midst of it, feels like he's been reborn. Jim cheats on Barbara with Sara Essen, in the end becoming just another adulterer, one more case that proves the statistics.  
  
He eventually loses it all, not all at once but gradually, and that hurts all the more. It's a slow decline, until one day Barbara and the kids are driving away, and none of them are looking back at him standing on the front porch. It's a sunny day, and he's a fraud, neglectful, cold, and selfish.  
  
He has it all, and then he throws it away or just simply lets it slip through his fingers.  
  
He's a good kid, a good guy, a good man, cop, husband, and father—and then he's none of those things. He's nothing.  
  
And the world ends, but his heart keeps on ticking, waiting, quiet but still there, broken, cracked.  
  
Then Jim wakes up. He gets back up. He's caught, trapped, but he doesn't lie down and take it, doesn't roll over and feel sorry for himself. He stands, pushes forward, pushes others forward. Jim leads—and follows. Maybe it's his heart mending; maybe it's another's in exchange; maybe it's just desperation.  
  
Maybe it was her. Maybe he helped do that. Maybe she turns and grabs his hand, and maybe they drag each other out.  
  
And he'll start over at 55, trailing the loose threads of his life behind him, but he's not alone, and he's not the only one.  
  
"It's you," she'll say, once, once only, and it doesn't mean everything's right or that it was all worth it—but it sure means a lot and a lot more coming from her. And he can live with that, and he will.  
  
They both will; they both do. Jim loves several women, and they love him back, but only one fits the real him, the cheater, the petty, foolish man who tries to try hard and sometimes, sometimes only, succeeds. Only one woman tries just as hard, falls on her face just as much, looks back like he does at the mess they made and can't condemn or condone what they did. Jim doesn't want the perfect woman. He's too insecure, too set in his ways, too fucked for someone nice and polished. He wants her, and she wants him, Lord help her. Lord help him keep her. He's ruined himself for anyone else—or maybe that was her, too.  
  
Maybe they'll ruin themselves some more together, or maybe they'll run themselves ragged side by side. They'll like the sound of that. Jim will say it, and Brooke will just about smile.


End file.
